I am never on-line and almost forgot that I had this journal. I just don't get that much time to go on-line and tell the world about my life. Not anymore. But I wish I did because I feel so much better to just have it out there in the world, for someone to read or no one, only computers, but at least it's out there in the world, not burning a hole in my mind.
I don't know when I last wrote in this journal but a lot has changed in my life. The biggest thing is that I'm not living in San Luis Obispo with my boyfriend and working at a winery. It's different from the whole LA acting thing and I'm not sure yet if it is the right path for me but I'm much more happy then I was there. (I also work as a bartender 3 nights a week at Cafe Roma in SLO)
At Opolo (the winery) I was up for an other job, as the events coordinator. But I didn't get that job... I guess they had found an other girl with experence and as my boss said "she already has her masters" Not that fair but I think that I'm happy that I don't have the extra stress that will come with that job. But he did say that he was giving me a raise and that I'm being promoted to assistant tasting room manager. Which is nice considering I've only been working here for a 5 weeks.
Living with my boyfiend is... well... I don't know yet... I think it's hard for me to share my space with anyone. But I have only felt like I'm being 'invaded' recently. I just want to be alone some times. I don't have any days off so I never really get any me time to just check in and see how things are going. It's just day to day ... work ... work... sleep (maybe) ... work. That would be a little better with one me time in there. But we will see how things go. Whith the new raise I should be able to quit my othre job and be ok.
I also have a baby!
Ok so it's a baby cat... but you'd think I had a new baby! She keeps us up all night and is so cute you could just melt into her. Her name is Lucille... maybe Luna. I don't know what I like better yet. You can see lots of pictures on facebook or myspace if you would like to see how cute she is.
Well that's it... my life in a few gramaticly incorrect paragraphs.
I'm turning into one of a masses that just blend in... I don't know how to cope with that. The 16 year old version of myself would kick my ass for it, but I think the 23 year old is just trying to get on her feet what ever way she can.

So I've been stuck inside a book called The Mists of Avalon and I have been in no other world. It is a wonderful book full of rich characters and page turning stories. I am now 1/2 way through the almost 1,000 pages of the book and I feel like I don't know what I will do when it ends. What happened to the people of the Mist and of the faiery land? Why can't I get lost forever there?
Maybe nothing that I have know has been real up to this book. Maybe nothing will be real again.

So work has been no fun. I like all the poeple and it isn't that hard but it's a lot of work and for very little money. I have been getting 15% on average because people have been walking out and not tipping and then I'll have the few cool people who tip 20+ % they make up for the scum of the earth who ask for 100 things and then don't tip me. It has made me so angry but now I just don't care. Money is money and I need to keep that in mind.

Because I hate this job so much i have decided to go to bar tending school and see how that goes. At least bar teanding will be easier than waiting tables and I'll make twice as much! So that will be fun! :)

Kurt and I are doing great. He is so sweet. We tried to do v-day on monday but they made me come into work!! Then they sent me home after on hour... so they didn't need me at all. But we are having an other day on Tues. because I'm going up to see him for my two days off.

I miss all my friends and hope that I get to see them soon too. xoxo

I'm the dark one

The one in the back

I fill the space

White to black

I know your game

You'll never know mine

I hope to see

Something more

Maybe just more of you

I just had my first tv audition today... it was the lamest thing ever they just looked at me and a picture of the woman I was going to play as 18 and said that I looked like her or not. LOL. It was lame and funny. I have never gotten a call back by just standing there. Lets see how far this goes! I'm not sure tv has what I want. I guess if you are a star then sure you can act and be treated like an actor but for now it is just lame. Although this is my first audition after siting in a casting office for a while I got the same feeling. But I gues I'll keep trying it out.

Like my men... keep trying until you are so sick of it you want to scream (or need to have the police esscort you when seeing him).

On the subject of men I am still with Kurt but I'm not sure if it will ever work. He said somehting the other day (again one when we talked about breaking up) he said. "With love it's not getting the prize at the end, but living every moment fully." I thought (at the time) that was really sweet but now I'm not so sure. Why am I trying to go to church with him and other relly painful things like that if he has no intention of ever spending the rest of our lives together? What's the point? I'm happy with not going to church... that's not my thing... why should I change that if it's not going to do me any good?

I don't know about the future of my love life or acting life. But I do know that I like the idea of each of them working out.

p.s. the "day job" is going well and I have even made some friends there. I think that it will be a great place to work. :) Some thngs do wrok out I guess!

Today it's very cold and sky has lost it's self and is falling all over! It's beautiful, the type of day you just want to stare at all day long. The best part of it is I get to relax for most of the day. I only have one audition and that is IT! So if I want to see what it is like to be a comatose then I will.

It has been wonderful to have something going on every day and all day long, but on a beautiful day like today you need to just recharge.

p.s. I am now working at the Macaroni Grill in Monrovia. They hired me yesterday and I start next week... yay i liike money!

Today I had the best audition I have ever had! It was for a small theater group called Need Theater. The audition was all veiwpoints with a group of people that you had just met. And it worked, it was amazing!! It was so inspiring to see a group of LA people who have never met just give into eachother and be free and open ... or as some people may say... they were very YES AND.

I became so charged up that I was shaking in my car on the way home. I just felt the energy serging in my soul. I'm sure that I was glowing all over!

This just renewed my spirit and gave me my drive back! I just want to go and do work now! I'm going to work on the set of Ghost Whisper on Monday and I can't wait to apply my renewed energy and love to the day!

YES AND!

Trying to find a job has always been very easy for me. I walk in and get the job on the spot! I don't know why it has been so easy for me but I have had about 10 jobs and all of them were just like that!

Now I find myself hunting and hunting. I am way over quaified for all the jobs that I have applied to and yet I feel like I'm jumping through hoops. I have had 3 interviews and tomorrow I will have two follow up interviews but enough already! Just give me the damn job!

It is silly when my acting carrer is easier than my 'day job'!

This is an old story that I wrote...



I could smell the stench of hate that was stale and dank with some underlying tone of loneliness and I still decided to wake up, eventually. I halfheartedly drug myself out of the room that was filled with such contempt and found myself a bit of the dark couch to prop my self up on. Then, I just stared. The dust between my eyes and the wall danced and writhed about as I ran over the lost feeling that is so new from so long ago. I sat just starring and gave over to wallow in it all.


The mess, the hate, the old feelings were all coming back to avenge any happiness I may have gathered since our affair. Now holding my hand up to the all consuming flame I just let it all burn me. Hey I've never seen my bone… why not let it just burn down… all the way… Why fight?


No clock marked the hours and no one came in or out of the barren room. What ever I was melted into the room passing in and out coversing with the writhing dust and marking time as something that was dead, something that had exsisted and now had passes into some other static plane of nothingness.


Once the dust almost settled I tore myself away into reality and then to the restroom. I found myself splashing some water vigorously on my face. (I guess I was hoping that it would serve as some ritual cleansing water, or at least just stop me from starring.)


I wondered for some time, I don't know for how long. Untill I came upon it; one of life's little shackles, dressed very neatly in last years best. There sat my cellular phone. Mocking my dependence and responsibility to society it just stared at me blinking, vibrating and blinking. I knew what was next: some person who wanted this or needed that, wanted to remind me of that. It was my responsibility to call to make an effort, not just stare.


The voice that came after the tin ringing was muffled by tears, real tears of fear and importance. For a moment I felt like I was back on the couch watching the dust. But quickly I remembered something I had forgotten to think about in all my starring… Health and Happiness. Something I had nothing of and something that was so simple. It was like the sun had just risen and shone on all that was human.


The tears, the mess and the dank smell in the air were now all serving me. They spoke back and finnally I felt a little pich! I felt something!


I ended the phone call in true Heather fashion: some good advice and loving words. And decided that starring was over rated and lunch was way over due.


So I took myself out to lunch which is a feat in a new, big city. I wanted to go to a little Ethiopian diner that I had wanted to go to years ago when I was new and a little less jaded, but I couldn't find parking and quickly became discouraged. Discouraged turned into frustration and then the car decided she had had enough and stared home. I just starred out at all the unfimilular abyss that is the city and thought about how to find what it was I was looking for and what would happen if I didn't eat lunch that day… would I faint… does that mean I'm anorexic?.. My mind fell back into endless thought.


Then just like in some cute romantic comedy it hit me (literally) a vividly bright, green, perfect leaf hit my windshield. It startled me so much I swerved a little. It was like waking from a bad dream by my mother, sharp and comforting not at all confusing. I couldn't help but laugh at my self for how silly the whole thing was… I was in such a dark fog that a leaf startled me. A little green leaf and I almost crash!


Shifting from each turn he clung to my wiper blades as if to mock my self- indulgence. The crisp sun showerd my new friend with speckled light making the whole thing that much more real. The car stopped driving it's self and after driving for at least a half hour with my new friend I found a quaint little diner. I knew it was perfect for me because of the row of "singles" sitting outside. All of them looking remorsefully rejected and hungry. It was sad but inexplicably funny all at the same time. For a moment I conspired with my new friend about flinging leaves at all of them, but thought better of it and just took a table among them.


It was a beautiful place and there was a fresh November 70 degree breeze blowing when a voiced charmed and free smiled, "Gosh, this is the single's spot isn't it?" She was bright and kind and was much better to stare at than any wall. We joined each other and talked about the city, England, the industry and much more. I whole time just talking, no motives except to eat and chat. It was wonderful and just what I needed.


The simplest act: saying "Hi", a tree shedding its past or something bold like sharing your deep fears can truly change someone. I don't know if it was all of it combined or anyone of it all but I stepped out of this day a different person. I can see a someone much more awake and more willing to be free in a land with very little real warmth. Making the little things mater is clearly the way to Health and Happiness you just have to let them happen.

I haven't had the need to brag in years but here it is....
New Years day and eve sucked because of mean people who happen to be my boyfriend's friends but the rest of the short year has started up with a bang! I've had 2 auditions and one tomorrow, I have 2 job interviews for wait jobs, my boyfriend and I are doing better than ever and my days are filled up with more things to do than I can get to! It's nice to start the year off like this I only hope it lasts.
xoxo

I have been with Kurt for almost a year now and I just fell in love with him last night!

I know it sounds funny but I never let myself love him fully until then. I was scared that the difference in religion would keep us apart. And although it still may, we decided that we would do our best to, at least, understand what the other's beliefs are.

It feels great a weird all at the same time. I want to call him every two seconds but think better of it and just smile to my self. Maybe I'll shout it from the roof top just to let it out!

You know, I think I always knew I loved him but just wouldn't able to let myself.

Ok I know this is lame, but I feel good about setting goals for myself and the new year is the best way to do it. I have graduated from school and am ready for the real world and now is the perfect time to start living my life! (and most of all no one needs to read it it is just for me)

GOALS FOR 2007:

Get a job

Go to bar tending school

Find a good photographer (and get new head shots)

Find a new agent

Get in a film

Sighn up for central casting

Let my self love

Find an awesome apartment

Go to the beach 5 times this summer

Find a good coach and take classes

Surf

Start writing a short movie

Blue Vale

The blue vale of the night plays on my brow,
I scarcely close my eyes to turn aback
On the day. O, the yellow day, forgone
By the whisper of the earth's thickened space.

I watch the stars glaze o'er like ghostly wraiths,
Passing through my mind like lovers to come.
Haunting my eyes with bodies and thought
I scarcely close my eyes to turn aback
On the night. O, the purple hills shelter
This slumber and I awaken no more.

I don't use this, I tried and no one responded much and I am going to be on myspace. I blog on there all the time interested in talking to me? Just go to http://www.myspace.com/heathermacleod and I will talk to you and you can read some fun poetry and stuff about my life.

I will keep this up for a while to see if I change my mind but all you take care. xoxox

I Just wanted to give an update... Everything is wonderful! I just whent to Trader Joe's and got a month worth of Indian food and bread to eat. I cleaned my room (not all the way but it's a start) and I got landry done! I am getting my homework in order and spring break is only a week away. I get to see my mom and kitty.
But the biggest thing... Kurt (the guy that I have been dating) spent the night the other night and we had the "boyfriend/girlfriend" talk. He told me that, "People have been calling you my girlfriend and I haven't corrected them." LOL! So we are official now. :)
I know that we have to break up when I leave, but you never know. What do I see a trend? Yes, I only find good guys when they have to leave or I have to leave! But I will be in LA soon and will hopefully stay there.

I hope that everyone is having a good day and staying healthy! Much love!!

You know that you've reached your limit when you take a shower at 10:30pm the night before you have a dance class in the morning and then go to put on clean underwear and there are none!! I have so much clothing and I only have four tanks and two sweaters hanging in my closet! This is the last draw, I need to get my life in order. I stay up all night trying to do home work and yet I have nothing to wear to school. I didn't take a shower for a couple of days and had a twinky, a bag of corn nuts and an energy drink for dinner. I can't see how letting my over whelming amount of work get in the way of every day habits can be good. How can I learn when I haven't had enough sleep and start to fall asleep in class (I have NEVER done that before, and today I did!) or how can I be active when I haven't eaten anything my body can turn into fuel to keep going??!!

I think that in life I will never have the opportunity to have this much art going on in my life, but I need -no I must- take better care of my body and soul.

So I've been sick for two days now and I've found some interesting thoughts crossing my mind. In the small hours of the night, when you can't sleep because you want to hurl you only have your thoughts. I found myself thinking a lot about my life that is about to pass, PCPA life that is. I know that this time of my life is short and only a simple stepping stone, but I have a hard time knowing I'll never see most of these people again.

Most of them I never hung out with and most of them I don't think I would talk to in a normal situation, but here I am already missing them. I don't like people in general, but I like being comfortable around people. There are 28 peple in my graduating class and I know details about each of them that I don't even know about myself. They make me discover myself through there differences. Most of them I could pick out by silhouette or hair or even a word. I know little hand flicks that are distinctively a particular person.

I don't know why I have grown to love each of them, I don't know what to call this type of love. But I know that these people have experienced a part of me that maybe no one else will ever see again. And thats awesome and strange, but mostly beautiful.

I'm sick in bed today. No fun. I ate something last night that did not want to be eaten. But I wish I could go to school. That is something I wouldn't think would cross my mind, because lately the general feeling at PCPA has been one of, "I'm done with this school and ready to move the fuck on!" I am not a stranger to that feeling. Yet, today I feel like I'm missing the party. I don't want to do the work, but it's habit and I feel so strange to not have it. I wonder what it will be like when I leave. It has only been less than two years, but because the hours are long and you don't do much outside of PCPA you become addicted, I guess or you just start to blend it in as part of who you are. Like a job, you identify yourself with it (I'm a waitress, I'm a construction worker, etc...). Thought it was weird.